Speaking of ignorance, Lily is making me nuts. She's doing this "I hate school" routine and honestly, there are days when I can definitely see the appeal of boarding school . . . in Europe. When she does sit down to learn, she does as little as possible as poorly as possible - wanting to skip straight to the lesson assessment or unit quiz instead of having to go through the whole lesson. Then when she completely bombs out because I'm no longer "helping" her (aka- enabling her dependent behavior by giving her little prompts like, "Are you sure?" or "You may want to double-check that answer before you hand it in.") it's a puddle of tears as she tries to pass the ownership of her problem on to moi. Do I take it? No, but that doesn't stop the little temper tantrums with "You ALWAYS make me do school!", and "I can't do this, it's too hard." playing in the background.
Basically, the problem I'm having here is that I don't know how much control to give her. I mean, in class, I hear parents talk about how they let their kids just choose when to do school and as long as they put in a full week's worth of work by Friday, it's all good. Well, I can see how that could work with a literate child, but what about a Kindergartner who can barely read? I can't exactly hand her the textbook & say "Here you go Honey, let me know when you're done". How do I give her choices (other than "what subject do you want to start with today?") while still making sure the work gets done and I'm not wasting my day sitting at her beck and call? I want her to learn to LOVE learning -- to love school.
Lots of people get through life just fine with minimal formal education, but I don't want that for Lily -- I want her to have choices. LOTS OF CHOICES! Not just "when should I get married" but "Should I do an internship in India or London?" and "Do I want to be a surgeon or an orthodontist?". I NEVER want my children to feel limited and that's one thing that being un-educated does -- it limits. I know so many beautiful, smart, talented women whose families would starve and freeze if they had to depend on their ability to put food on the table and a roof over their heads. Why? It's not because they're selfish, dishonest or lazy, it's because they couldn't get a job that pays enough to support themselves, let alone their family. And why? Because they don't have the education to qualify for the higher-paying jobs. In these unsteady times, education is like life insurance -- it helps to guarantee that you, and your family, will be able to live. I want that for my girls. I want them to grow up with the realization that the only limits they have are self-imposed. If they're not world-famous authors, it's not because they didn't have the opportunity, it's because they chose to pursue other avenues. If they never go to London or Brisbane, it's because they made that choice, not because it was out of their reach. How do I teach them that? How do I teach Lily that learning is the ONLY way to have freedom -- the ONLY way to have choices - the ONLY way to be able to enjoy life?
I guess I could make it so that most of her freedom comes from school, but what would that look like? Up at 7, dressed, teeth brushed, hair fixed, room clean & at breakfast by 7:30. Breakfast from 7:30-8. Dishes cleared, counter washed, chores done & ready for school by 8:30. Opening exercises from 8:30-9 -- she picks the song, who holds the flag & what scripture we read. Reading from 9-9:30 -- she picks the book(s) & who reads (her or me). Course work from 9:30-11:30- she picks the subjects. Lunch from 11:30-12. Lorin down for a nap at noon. School from 12:15-2:15 - she picks the subjects again. 2:15-2:30 - piano practice. Then after school is done, she gets to make lots of choices for the rest of the day - what and where to play, what to have for dinner (A or B), when to get ready for bed (7 or 7:30), etc. . . . Okay this could work, but I think I'll need to put up some visual reminders -- maybe a poster or something with clocks on it that show the different times & what has to be done by that time. Then, I could get her a watch, so she could practice telling the time and develop some responsibility for making sure the day's needs are met.
To make this work, I'm going to have to really focus and stay on task. I'll also have to be more disciplined with phone time and getting too chatty and distracted with my own tasks. I'll have to be more diligent in making sure that things stay picked up, or the house could become a disaster area very quickly. I think a lot of the resistant struggle that we're having right now is rooted in the fact that I've been inconsistent in our day-to-day routine. Some days are very structured, and others are just craziness. I need to be less impulsive and more organized in how I spend my time. Shopping trips and other errands should be planned around our daily schedule, not vice versa, and lengthy phone calls should be saved for non-school hours. School time needs to be sacred and uninterrupted. It is too important to let slack and Lily is too young to fully understand what a hindrance a lack of education can be in achieving your dreams. School WILL happen every day, and while I will let her make choices, lots of choices, about what we do first, and other little things, the parameters will not be flexible. I know that she will fight like mad at first, trying to break down these new limits, but I must stand firm. Her future depends on it. On this, I must not be willing to compromise. I am resolved that the future happiness and direction of my child's life begins under my direction. Although I cannot choose how quickly she will progress, or how often she stumbles, I can, I must plot the course under her watchful gaze until she is able to do so for herself. Only then can I fully relinquish the compass, confident that she will be its new master having learned how to chart a straight course, true and unwavering, by watching me in all my blundering attempts to show her the right way to go. This is my job. I am a Mother.
